Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Christian Teens and SEX ... Before Marriage.

Christians and SEX are not usually in the same sentence, unless of course they are married! But what about Christians who are not married? I am specifically referring to teenage or young adult Christians who are still living the single life. Christians have very DEFINITE opinions about sex or the lack there of!
I was involved in a conversation the other day and this came up, so I figured I would bring it to the blogosphere and let you guys have a crack at it!

For Christians, (or the majority of them) when it comes to teens and sex the consensus is just DON'T DO IT! Christians believe in abstinence, plain and simple. No sex before marriage, no way, no how! And that sounds great ... and in a perfect world it would obviously work. BUT today, in 2009, with the generation that wants everything Bigger, Better, and Faster and not now but RIGHT NOW how do we get the point across that the unmarried should be waiting for marriage to give up the goods? Communication is key. Do you communicate with your children?

But some parents don't even discuss sex with their children. So the children are pretty much left to their own wiles. The parents may give children the sex talk (basically DON'T DO IT!!) and the biblical basics (if even that much) and then that is it. No sex IS the safest sex! If the teens get the urge they are often told to pray about it. This is the just do what I say method of parenting.

Then we have the parents who give their children the sex talk, the bible talk, and then give their children the contraceptive talk. They may even go as far as to give their teen(s) contraceptives. These parents seem to think that children once told what can and can't happen or what to do and not to do that their child may perhaps go on out there and try it out anyway. If teens get the urge they are often told if you must do it at least protect yourself. This is the better safe than sorry method of parenting.

So you may think, whatever they each have their own way of parenting and dealing with their kids. That is their business. Yes, this is true but these two factions of parents often clash judgmentally.
One group thinks that the "Better safe then sorry" group is endorsing, permitting, giving the OK to have sex by giving the child contraceptives or instructing them how to use contraceptives.
The other group thinks that the "Just do what I say" group is not preparing their child for life in the real world. Thinking that by not giving them all of the information they are not properly preparing them for life and in essence opening the door to unwanted pregnancies and diseases.

This is not just an issue for Christian parents. All parents probably have the same discussions, it just always seem more heated when Christians debate it!! Being a parent of 5 children (3 girls & 2 boys) this conversation between the two groups always interests me. Then there are the parents who think there is nothing wrong at all with teens having sex ... If that is your group, then this post really does not pertain to you!
So what about you? Any thoughts on this topic? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

11 People Saying Something!

Rodney Olsen 25 March, 2009 16:23

I believe that those who have the strongest relationships with their parents are less likely to get into risky behaviours of all kinds.

That means that our job as parents isn't simply to tell our kids what they can and can't do but to spend the time to build such trust and love with them, going both ways, that they will want to follow our moral code.

If we are too busy to give them the deep love and acceptance they crave they will look for it in other places.

That's not to say that this is foolproof and that parents of teens who are having sex don't love them enough, but it is a preventative step that will be effective in many cases.

We also need to remember that parenting isn't about getting our kids to do the things we want and to abstain from those things we don't want them to do. It's about bringing them up to follow their own moral code based on Jesus Christ.

Alicia Michele Benjamin 25 March, 2009 18:27

Communication is key! And the Good Book offers some sound advice. I'll be praying on this one and of course, constantly COMMUNICATING with my little one.

Alicia Michele Benjamin 25 March, 2009 18:28

Also, I'll talk to my daughter and use my past as an example of what NOT to do! Halleluiah..........

Petula 25 March, 2009 18:39

Rodney made a very good point. I think I am a combination of all of that along with maintaining a good relationship with my teen. We have a great relationship and we talk openly. She's had a steady boyfriend for a year and although I have been nervous, I am mostly pleased with the way they are conducting their relationship. That said, I don't know if the same thing will work with my three youngest children, but I am hoping to be a great influence on their decision and beliefs. It really comes down to their own relationship with Christ. Most of us have made mistakes in this arena and with some children it'll work to relay personal experiences, but with some it won't.

You're right, it is a touchy subject. I think those involved in these conversations should realize that what works for one individual may not work for another, and that does not make one more right or more righteous than the other.

Great topic/post.

Believer 26 March, 2009 01:53

We raise our kids with the essence of who we are. So to find out what group you're in, a parent must look inward and search.

I'm of the camp that I will share openly and on appropriate occasions considering age and comprehension. However, at the end of the day when my daughter is confronted with making a choice, it's she and she alone.

Marvalus 26 March, 2009 12:38

I truly believe in open communication with my son...so we often have conversations about sex, with me usually debunking what he has heard from his friends. I stress the importance of saving sex for when he is old enough to handle it, but like Believer said, when that time comes, it will be his decision to make alone.

I can only pray that I have equipped him with the values to make the best decision.

msladydeborah 27 March, 2009 01:40

This is an issue that needs to be openly addressed.
I feel that we need to be realistic. There are young teens having sexual relationships. Many of them attend churches and have been exposed to the teachings.

Who among us has not lived a life? Or has not made decisions that counter what we have been instructed not to do? I know of no one who could honestly declare that they have been error free.

But this is also an era of time when there are major health concerns to consider. We are making up thelargest numbers in the ranks of HIV/AIDS cases in the world. That is something that we have to honestly face and deal with in an intelligent and informed manner.

I gave my sons condoms. I felt that it was in order for me to do so. I did not want them to become teenaged fathers. Nor did I want them to run the risk of becoming ill due to the lack of protection. It was not a popular decision with some members of my family. However, my mother supported what I chose to do. I talked with each one of them about abstaining first, then what to do if they felt they were going to engage in sex. People tend to think that birth control is solely a female responsibility. I happen to believe that it is a male's responsiility as well. None of my sons produced children until they were adults. They are also healthy.
And they all practice birth control with their respective mates.

We all know that there are young people in our churches who have made babies. I feel that if we use an honest approach that our children will not stray from the ways that they were taught. But if we are going to have a positive impact in the lives of our young people, we need to be for real and discuss the whole issue with them.

Regina 27 March, 2009 09:54

@ Rodney - You are very correct about needing those strong relationships! That is not a guarantee that your child wont mess it up but it should hopefully let them know that if they do mess up you are still there for them and you still love them. great Comment!

@ Alicia - Hey great strategy! Communication and strong relationship with us is the backbone/foundation of our kids having strong relationship with The Father. I know how much time you spend loving on your little one!

@ Petula - I think people sometime forget that ultimately it is about the individual no matter what we do or say it is not really about us. It is a very touchy subject but one think rings true RELATIONSHIPS & COMMUNICATION are key!!

@ Believer - The general consensus is sharing and communicating. You are right no matter what we say or don't say, do or don't do at the end of the day it is all about them.

@ Marva - Communicate, communicate, communicate! I can't agree more! Prayer is key for any parent! I think your young man has a great role model!

@ MsLadyD - It is definitely a tough and touchy topic that needs to be discussed more and openly. I applaud your decision in the face of family who at times can be the biggest critics! The numbers of teens in church with babies is ridiculous. And the rate HIV/AIDS is killing the Black community is staggering. I agree being proactive is better than being forced to be reactive! I think not enough parents are discussing this issue. Thanks for weighing in!


I was born and raised a Jehovah's Witness and was taught no sex before marriage, but I knew and respected the biblical reasons behind this strong principle. All the way up until my first marriage at 20-years old, I hadn't had sex. This is not to say that I didn't want it or that girls I knew didn't want it from me, but I fought the urge to give in to the flesh and that's simply too tough for a lot folks in this day and age, but this is also the reason for the rise of teen or unwed pregnancies and untreatable STD's.

Even though I'm currently not a practicing Jehovah's Witness, I still hold a lot of the sexual principles close to heart. I'm not out in the streets sleeping around or none of that jive. When I have a steady girlfriend, only then do I even entertain sexual contact and she's gotta be a good girl; someone I feel comfortable being sexually intimate with.

But yeah, when I have children in the future, I will establish the same principles of biblical abstinence to them so that they understand the ramifications of such a serious decision as sex.


Hi Regina.. My name is Kristen..I need help. I struggle in this are tremendously. I am 25 years old and want to follow the Lord but I keep screwing up in this area. The first time I had sex I went all the way. The second time he just touched me all over. I've been praying but I don't know how to get away from it all. I've never been able to talk to my parents about anything and it's a struggle. I know God will bless me with someone soon. But I was wondering if you would give me your input


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